Till we meet again

15.3.2015, 10:30 A.M. 

"Dear Diary,

When Dad died three years ago I tried my best to be as strong as I should be. I tried to accept the fact that he's gone, and it was the most painful feeling I'd ever experienced. Because accepting that he's dead meant that he would no longer be a part of all the moments I wanted to share with him; the moments that he should've been a part of. 

It meant he wouldn't see me graduating from college. I wouldn't have a photo with him in my graduation gown, and we wouldn't have the party he had promised we'd throw. It meant he wouldn't see me in my wedding gown. He wouldn't walk me down the aisle and I wouldn't have the chance to dance with him to our favorite song. It meant he wouldn't be there during my delivery to my first child. He wouldn't be there to name his grandson/daughter and he wouldn't be able to hold it between his arms.

I'm getting married tomorrow, and I'm exerting such great efforts to get over the idea that he will not be there. Because regardless any other feelings, I miss him.

I miss everything about him. Everything about us; our heart-to-heart conversations, our early morning walks, even our fights that never lasted for over a couple of hours. Everything. He had left a huge space in my heart that will always exist until I am reunited with him.

I love you, Dad. May your beautiful soul rest in peace."

She closes her diary and puts it on her desk; right next to her father's photo.

15.3.2015, 10:23 A.M.

"Dear Henry,

Emma is getting married tomorrow. Tomorrow is her wedding day, Henry; the day we'd been dreaming of since she was born. Our little Emma has grown up and she'll be leaving to her new house.

She talked to me yesterday and she wasn't feeling okay. She misses you. She refused to let anybody walk her down the aisle; she said that you were the only one who had the right to do this and now that you're gone, nobody could ever replace you. 

I miss you too, Henry. I miss you so much. I usually feel like I'm incomplete without you. You were my better half. But I then remember the decision I made when you died; the one thing that helped me move on during the past three years, and I'm whole again.

The moment I fell for you I realized that I'd never be able to do without you. That's why when you died, I felt I was going to die too. But I couldn't surrender to the pain. I couldn't surrender to your loss; I had to be strong for Emma. I had to choose to live for Emma. So I decided that you should be alive too. And if you do not physically exist, your soul is still living inside of me. 

You were never dead to me, Henry. You are always there with me. Not because of your pictures that are still hanging on our house's walls, not because of your clothes that are hanging in the closet  and still carrying your scent, not because of your books that weren't removed from our bookshelf and not because of your car that still hasn't left our garage. 

But because I can feel you. I can see you. I see you in Emma's eyes everyday. I see you in the happy moments we shared for more than twenty years. I see you in the number of times you lifted me up and in the number of dreams you made come true. I feel you watching over me when I'm lonely. I feel you when I remember your words and your embrace. I feel you when I remember that I spent twenty years of my life with you; a gift that I'll always be thankful for.

You exist in my memory. And that's one thing that nobody could ever take away. Till we meet again. I love you."

She puts the letter in its envelope, and places it in a drawer. A drawer full of other envelopes. 

Won't let you go

10.12.2018

"Dear diary,

I've always thought that everything will change as soon as I meet my life partner. I've believed my life will be more meaningful; because I will be with the person who's daring enough to go the distance with me, the person who's loving enough to share me my dreams and ambitions. Although all of this is a part of Tyler's personality I'm still not leading a peaceful life. I can still feel the pain of all what I'd been through before meeting him despite all of his great efforts to make me forget. I feel lost and it seems to me that I'll never get to know my way back. I'm hurt, and I'm hurting every single person I know. Specially Tyler.

We've known each other for ages. We've been engaged for over a year and he's been trying to fix me sincethen. He's trying so hard to mend my broken pieces because he believes I can be better. He loves me, and he has faith in me. However, I'm not giving him anything in return. I'm not providing him with the care he needs nor the love he deserves.

I'm just sucking happiness out of his life. He used to be everything but miserable, but now he is miserable because of me. I love Tyler so much, and maybe that's why I should let him go."

She puts down her pen, rolls her body into bed and continues crying. 

18.12.2018

"Dear Lexie, 

I've been thinking about what you said when we met two days ago and here's what I've come up with: you're an idiot. I should've told you this as soon as you said you wanted to break up with me. 

You think you're too messed up and that's why you want to walk away? You think you're making me unhappy and sorrowful? You think I deserve a better person than you? For god's sake Lexie, you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. I can still remember the first time I met you on my sister's birthday. It took me ten seconds to realize you were different, and a few more to realize I was dazzled. 

There's nothing that I hate about you. I love your flaws as much as I love your strengths because my love to you is unconditional. Because all of your imperfections are like small clouds in the sky; whenever they try to hide the shining sun they make the sky look more beautiful. Because all of your imperfections are nothing if compared with only one of your excellences: your smile that is more splendid than a thousand glowing stars and your sparkling eyes that reflect a whole universe. 

Your outgoing nature and your love to people. Your childish acts and your funny jokes. The way you try to hide your smile when you act like you're mad at me. The way you try to cheer me up on my worst days. When you give me your ultimate support. When you make me believe in myself because you have faith in me. Now tell me, how can I ever let you go? 

Everybody is messed up in their own way, Lexie. I'm messed up too, but the way we're both messed up just fits. That's why we should stick to each other. I love you, and I know you love me. So let's fight for what we deserve together, because I swear; struggling had never been that easy until I was granted you. I'm never giving up on you; you're a once in a lifetime gift that I will never give away."

He puts the letter on her doorstep, rings the bell and hides. She opens the door and sees the letter's envelope, on which "I won't let you go" has been written. She smiles. She's never wanted to let him go either.